Self- Assessment On My 27th Year

I may not be able to log on to the net on Sunday so I decided to write this blog today instead.

I am in the middle of the crossroads of life, where destiny demands a choice for me to make. The life which I will live will depend on the choice that I make. It is a difficult choice and I have to personally dive deep inside of myself in order to find enough good reasons why I should be making such a particular choice. The past 27 years have been altogether one wild ride. This year, I shall end up a chapter of my life and start a new one. It is a "new" one simply because it is the beginning of a life founded on new things, on new choices, on new probabilities. What is not new perhaps is the set of difficulties and challenges that lies ahead. I am not sure what Destiny has left for me in the next few steps ahead of my journeying life. I am not sure how my stars have been mapped for me. I am not an exclusive fatalist. I believe in fate but not so much as a predestination of man but rather a fate based on the choices man makes. I am living this kind of life now simply because in the past, I made choices that led me to where I am today. And God, the master of all fates, simply made sure that whatever fate I chose, I would not choose something that would not make me happy. I am a happy person. Although my recent neuro-psych evaluation conducted by the Western Visayas Medical Center Department of Psychiatry told me that I had signs of depression and anxiety (and that I was obsessively compulsive as well!), I consider myself largely a happy person.

If there is something to be anxious about, I am concerned about what lies ahead. I cannot deny that I fear the future, especially the repercussions of my imminent choice. I fear the possible feeling of regret, of unsatisfied curiousity of what could have been have I made a different choice. I fear I might be making the wrong choice. Perhaps the resident psychiatrist was right. I was having depressive moods.


Until I recalled what JC once said in the Scriptures. "Do not be afraid!" This remark was more than just scolding the yellow apostles in scary moments during their ministry. It was a remark of reassurance. "Do not be afraid, For I have conquered the world." It was a reminder that while I make the choices in life, I have come to realized that it was God who was still in control. Why did I say this? Looking back I have realized that I have made more bad choices than good choices. I was not discerning enough. I was more impulsive. I was more often childish and immature. And yet, despite the bad choices, I see myself standing, hurdling every obstacle along the way, climbing atop mountains of challenges. There were times that I was supposed to be defeated. Yet, I came out triumphant. Bruised, but victorious.

There are times that I wish to escape from the life that I have. There are times that I had to find a place, whether in my mind or in my real world, where I could freely cry and just let go. Perhaps a part of me trying to escape "the world" has led me to choose to become a doctor for the barrio. But no matter how one attempts to escape, there are only three things which he cannot escape from: God, temptations and taxes.

I peek into the future through blurry glasses, half-scared and half-assured. I am not sure what to expect now that I am making this choice but I am brimming with plans for the future. I step aside and take a seat as I look back into the past, half-fulfilled and half-regretful. Nonetheless, I had so many people to be thankful. I am happy to be part of a "communion of saints and sinners alike", buoying me up whenever I feel sinking into the deep.

Now I stand in the present moment, 27 years old, growing older, supposedly growing wiser, and growing closer to self-actualization. Now I am beginning to see that what I have before me are not just choices, but rather opportunities. So much has been given to me and therefore so much is to be expected. I used to pray to God to give me the chance to do something other than for myself. I believe He is trying to answer my prayers now.