Remnant Thoughts of An Anxious Fool
I am now on my 8th day in Cebu City and as early as now I am already feeling the symptoms of schizophrenia. Fearing that I might lose myself irreversibly down the path to lunacy, I have decided to blog tonight. Come to think of it, blogging has been one of the things that has been keeping me sane throughout my experience as a pre-board intern.
The other things that keep me from going totally insane are my family and close friends. There have been times in the past that it was family and friends who saved me from the edge of self-destruction. These people have been consistent in their attempts to do the same.
And God of course!
He Who Turns Things Around has always been the Most Dependable of All. He has time and again proven to me that if I only trust Him, He would find a way. There have been moments in the past that I felt He was never on my side. But many times He has proven me wrong, in the smallest details to the biggest details. He Who Turns Things Around does exactly what His Name for me means.
But today, I could not help but feeling uneasy. I feel like I am about to lose my mind, this time for real.
It was during the mass I attended along with the rest of my co-interns in a Redemptorist Church that I felt I could not make it. I have been praying to God since the day I decided to become a doctor and more fervently in the past few weeks. Many times in my life I have been asking so many things from Him but for the first time, I have never asked him so desperately for something until now.
And while I have been begging from Him the one thing that is most important to me now, my past life flashed back before me just in time for the homily. And guilt started to hit me giving me this contrecoup injury in the head. I have never been giving Him my end of the deal. My mistakes have outweighed the graces He has given me. I was not worthy to ask Him of anything at all, even the simplest of requests.
I was certain then that He might not grant me my earnest prayer. The task of hurdling the board exams lies solely upon me now. No help this time. I could not blame Him. He has every right and reason not to help me. Like I said, I wasn't worthy enough to come before His presence.
I was sure I was going to fail.
And I remembered the face of my wife and my kids, my altruistic parents and loyal friends. I remembered the faces of these people, whom I would be disappointing in the nearest future.
So, even if I was certain that God was probably not listening to me, I whispered a prayer to His Mother, through Her image as Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I told her, if she was willing to tell Her Son how sorry I was and grant me only one wish: if He could keep my loved ones happy, no matter what happens.
During communion, the choir sang a familiar song.
By the time I was singing the chorus, I was already trying to hold back my tears. I felt God was directly speaking to me through the song. I felt Him telling me that He loves me even if I haven't loved Him the way I should have had. He loves me despite my unloveliness. And for the first time I felt so comforted. I was humbled and comforted. I wanted to burst in tears but I was too embarrased before my friends. They might be thinking that I was really losing it. In the depths of my heart I whispered before God, "Thank you" and I was at peace.
I gave a slight glance at Our Lady's picture and told her the same. I felt that she did answer my prayer. My anxiety was washed away. Just like what the priest prays after the Lord's prayer, "In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ."
By the end of the mass I felt so redeemed by God. Coincidentally, today is the 3rd Sunday of July, during which the Redemptorist Fathers celebrate the Feast of the Holy Redeemer.
I am not certain about my future. But what I do know is that at the moment I shall be doing my best to study and let God worry my tomorrows. It is comforting to note that many friends back in Bacolod have been praying for me and my batchmates. I am confident that God will listen to their prayers, for my salvation and sanity's sake.
The other things that keep me from going totally insane are my family and close friends. There have been times in the past that it was family and friends who saved me from the edge of self-destruction. These people have been consistent in their attempts to do the same.
And God of course!
He Who Turns Things Around has always been the Most Dependable of All. He has time and again proven to me that if I only trust Him, He would find a way. There have been moments in the past that I felt He was never on my side. But many times He has proven me wrong, in the smallest details to the biggest details. He Who Turns Things Around does exactly what His Name for me means.
But today, I could not help but feeling uneasy. I feel like I am about to lose my mind, this time for real.
It was during the mass I attended along with the rest of my co-interns in a Redemptorist Church that I felt I could not make it. I have been praying to God since the day I decided to become a doctor and more fervently in the past few weeks. Many times in my life I have been asking so many things from Him but for the first time, I have never asked him so desperately for something until now.
And while I have been begging from Him the one thing that is most important to me now, my past life flashed back before me just in time for the homily. And guilt started to hit me giving me this contrecoup injury in the head. I have never been giving Him my end of the deal. My mistakes have outweighed the graces He has given me. I was not worthy to ask Him of anything at all, even the simplest of requests.
I was certain then that He might not grant me my earnest prayer. The task of hurdling the board exams lies solely upon me now. No help this time. I could not blame Him. He has every right and reason not to help me. Like I said, I wasn't worthy enough to come before His presence.
I was sure I was going to fail.
And I remembered the face of my wife and my kids, my altruistic parents and loyal friends. I remembered the faces of these people, whom I would be disappointing in the nearest future.
So, even if I was certain that God was probably not listening to me, I whispered a prayer to His Mother, through Her image as Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I told her, if she was willing to tell Her Son how sorry I was and grant me only one wish: if He could keep my loved ones happy, no matter what happens.
During communion, the choir sang a familiar song.
"You loved me when I was so unlovely, you sought me when I was lost. You showed me how much You really loved me ... There's no greater love than this...."
By the time I was singing the chorus, I was already trying to hold back my tears. I felt God was directly speaking to me through the song. I felt Him telling me that He loves me even if I haven't loved Him the way I should have had. He loves me despite my unloveliness. And for the first time I felt so comforted. I was humbled and comforted. I wanted to burst in tears but I was too embarrased before my friends. They might be thinking that I was really losing it. In the depths of my heart I whispered before God, "Thank you" and I was at peace.
I gave a slight glance at Our Lady's picture and told her the same. I felt that she did answer my prayer. My anxiety was washed away. Just like what the priest prays after the Lord's prayer, "In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ."
By the end of the mass I felt so redeemed by God. Coincidentally, today is the 3rd Sunday of July, during which the Redemptorist Fathers celebrate the Feast of the Holy Redeemer.
I am not certain about my future. But what I do know is that at the moment I shall be doing my best to study and let God worry my tomorrows. It is comforting to note that many friends back in Bacolod have been praying for me and my batchmates. I am confident that God will listen to their prayers, for my salvation and sanity's sake.
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