Text Jokes

Today is a lousy day. Yesterday I just had another tooth extracted. Earlier that day I visited my dentist and had a huge molar cavity filled with temporary filling. The original plan was to make it permanent a week from yesterday if the tooth wouldn't sting again. But while I was in the middle of my blog an hour after, my tooth just kicked up again and it was very painful. So I hurriedly went back to my dentist who was scheduled to leave for Macau that evening and won't be back until Saturday. Change of plan: tooth extraction was the only solution. So after a few punches with the syringe filled with anesthesia, some pulling and tugging, I was liberated from the pain!

In celebration of that freedom, I was thinking of posting some text jokes I saved in my cellphone's inbox. Every time I would read them they always make me LOL. Most of the jokes are written in Hiligaynon though so I will be trying my best to translate them into English.

First Love
Child: Nay, Tuod bala nga "First Love never dies"? (Mother, is it true that 'First Love never dies'?)
Nanay: Huo anak, tuod na. Tan-awa bala si Tatay mo. First love ko na sya. Asta subung buhi pa gyapon ang bilatibay nya! (Yes, child, that is true. Just look at your father. He's my first love. And until now, the sonofabitch is still alive!)

Ethics:
Teacher: Okay, class, can anyone define what is Ethics?
(A student raises his hand to answer)
Teacher: Okay, Tim, what is it?
Tim: Ummmm, Ethics ma'am?
Teacher: Yes...
Tim: Ma'am, Etiks are smaller than ducks.

Lost in Translation
Teacher: Okay, who can give me an example of a tag question?
Pupil: Ma'am. "My Teacher is Beautiful, isn't she?"
Teacher: That is very good! Now, can you translate that in Filipino?
Pupil: Si Ma'am ay maganda, hindi naman di ba?

Follow the Leader
Waiter: Sir, what will you have?
American: Ahm, Swiss Steak and french fries, please.
Waiter: What about you sir?
Filipino: Ahhh...ako? same also...Sweepstakes, yung First Prize.

Beauty and Brains
Ms. World Host: What is your favourite color and why?
Ms. USA: Red for courage!
Ms. Spain: White for purity!
Ms. Philippines: Blue.... uhmmmm.... ah...blue for blue job!
(Go pelepens!)

What's For Dinner?
Husband: Love, ano ang aton panyapon? (Honey, what's for dinner?)
Wife: Ato sa lamesa, pili lang da. (It's on the table, choose whatever you want)
Husband: Teh asin man lang ni kag kan-on. Abi ko anay damo kay mapili lang ko?! (But, it's only salt and rice. I thought you cooked plenty coz you told me to just choose what I want?!)
Wife: Gani man, pili ka lang. Pili ka kung makaon ka ukon indi. (That's right, you can choose. You can choose whether you want to eat or not!)

Haller!
Wife: Dear, palihug kay-o be sang su-ga ta!(Dear, can you please fix our light?)
Husband: haller, ano ko, electrician? (What am I, an electrician?)
Wife: Teh, ang bintana na lang eh, guba na, kay-uha be? (Okay, so why not fix our broken window instead?)
Husband: Haller, ano ko, carpenter? (What am I, a carpenter?)
(Evening)
Husband: oh, ga-andar naman ang su-ga kag mayo na ang bintana. Sino nag kay-o sang su-ga kag bintana? (Looks like the light and window are fixed. Who fixed them up?)
Wife: Kagina pag lakat mo, naghibi ko sa sagwa kag may nakakita sa akon nga lalaki. Gin pamangkot nya ko ngaa ga hibi ko. Teh siling ko kay wala may ma kay-o snag su-ga ta kag bintana. (Just after you left, I was crying outside when a man approached me and asked why. I told him that nobody would fix my light and my window)
Husband: Teh ano daun ang natabo? (Then what happened?)
Wife: Teh siling nya, kay-uhun nya kuno ang su-ga akg bintana pero dapat bayaran ko sya. Pili lang ko sa bayad. Either i-bake ko sya sang cake or ma sex kami. (He told me he will fix them but I have to pay them. I can reward him by either baking him a cake or have sex with him)
Husband: teh, gin bake mo sya ka cake? (So, did you bake him up a cake?)
Wife: Haller! Ano ko, baker? (What am I, a baker?)