Full Circle

It cannot be denied that for the past few days, this blog and the blogger himself has been under criticism and even threats with regards to another controversial blog posted here. This Easter Sunday, life has turned full circle here.

My life has been so far one exciting ride, with full of ups and downs, with the latter plentier than the former. For those who have come to know me that well, my life has been blessed with so little and disgraced with so much. While indeed the blessings, though few, would come in buckets, the unfortunate events, while in trickles, come in every day, non-stop. But as much as I know myself, God has given me a gift, no- a curse!, in order to find some solace in this kind of life. He gave me the ability to write. And with this gift of the pen, I have made friends and even enemies, again more of the latter than the former.

I knew that by the time I began to write, I knew something out there is right for me. So I took up all of my potentials, joined my high school paper as early as first year and eventually became the editor-in-chief during my senior year. I did not join my school's paper during college but I did join the yearbook staff during my senior year and started sending contributions to the literary portfolio of my school during my post-grad days. In the alternative world of the web, I joined deviantart where it caters to my poetic side. And when blogging was invented, I became one of its avid users. Through a good friend as well, I was happy to have my contributions read in the local papers here in my place.

But whether it is on print or web, the writer or blogger has not changed. The issues and topics would vary but never the desire to write. It hasn't diminished ever since. Maybe because the gift of the pen has one evil twin, the gift, or the curse, of candor. Again, I didn't say TRUTH but candor. For what is truth? The truth that I know is only as so far as the facts and knowledge that I know of. But whether or not I have knowledge of the entire truth, I cannot stop myself from being candid about my feelings and thoughts with regards to these limited truth.

It cannot therefore be avoided that in my candid writings, I unwittingly hurt other people, especially those who become the subject of my writings. My first encounter with this type of experience when I was in third year high school when as a member of the school paper I wrote in my column my reactions and opinions with regards to a concluded science play fest contest among the year levels. In my opinion column, I expressed my thoughts regarding how the winners were selected and how I, in my opinion, the senior batch then should not have won the contest. The day that issue was published was a day of struggle for me. I was publicly opposed by so many of the seniors, even by some of my batchmates who were trying to avoid an inter-year level conflict. Even faculty members got involved, especially the science teachers considering it was their department who held the contest.

I had many other controversial but trivial articles published since then but the last one is probably this blog that I have posted. To review, it was a blog I wrote containing my reactions to certain information that has already been circulating within the place where I am currently taking my internship. The information that has come to me was 1) that allegedly, the college of medicine where I finished my medical studies has recently decided to stop junior interns from rotating in the hospital where I am taking up my internship; 2) that allegedly, one of the reasons that stood out was that the Dean or the junior interns or both were claiming to have allegedly observed unethical practices among the consultants or junior consultants or both or whatever in the hospital where I am taking up my internship. 3) that according to sources who volunteered these information by mouth, allegedly, this claim of unethical practices was reflected in a copy of the minutes of a meeting which was allegedly sent to the director of the hospital where I am doing my internship; that there was also a mention of a letter coming from the dean of the college sent to the director regarding these alleged observations of unethical practices. Whether it was the minutes of the meeting or a letter from the dean, the thing is, the director of the hospital allegedly got hurt that instead of allowing the new junior interns to rotate for only 1 week in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern, the director did not anymore allow any junior intern to rotate. 4) that allegedly, other sources say that because the director was so hurt by these remarks allegedly made by the Dean, the director is also contemplating of not allowing the student nurses of the same school to rotate in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern. 5) that for a fact, this hospital where I am rotating as an intern is actually the base hospital of the college.

Now again with these limited information at hand, I made my reaction and even attempted to make a logical and rational defense against the alleged claims of unethical practices allegedly observed and noted in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern. Again, my reactions, consider it a knee-jerk reaction, were 1) with regards to the move of pulling out the junior interns from the base hospital 2) the alleged reason for the pull out on which I attempted to make a logical defense of the doctors accused of unethical practices in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern and 3) with regards to the possibility of the student nurses being not allowed by the director to rotate in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern.

My first set of words as I began my reactions was: It saddens me... for indeed I was sad when I heard about the pull out because in my opinion the hospital where I am rotating as an intern is the base hospital of the college and in my opinion, there are certain legalities to be satisfied before pulling out the junior interns from one's base hospital. In my opinion, to continue calling it a base hospital without the junior interns rotating there is I think not only illegal but I guess "unethical" too right? I am no lawyer so I leave it up to the people who are knowledgable about the law to talk about this and maybe even correct me if I am wrong. My second set of reactions was on the grounds of allegations made against the doctors in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern. Allegations were made, whether it came from the dean or the J.I.'s or from whoever, that there have been unethical practices observed in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern. I made a defense against these claims. In fact my first set of words in the beginning of my defense was: "It shocks me..." and it did shock me. For these allegations of unethical practice did not come from me....it came from somebody else. In fact, in my humble defense of the doctors of the hospital where I am rotating as an intern, I made mention that these doctors who were generally alleged to have done unethical practices are perhaps the same doctors you can find in almost all of the hospitals in the city, have trained in some of these hospitals in the city. It is therefore unfair for anyone to make a sweeping public statement accussing doctors of unethical practices. My third set of reaction was towards the information that based on these allegations of unethical practices, the dean has decided to pull out the junior interns from the hospital where I am rotating as an intern. The first set of words in the beginning of this reaction was: "It surprises me all the more..." for it has surprised me all the more because in my opinion I do not agree to the decision made by the dean/college. In fact, I made a suggestion in the middle of my reaction saying that assuming indeed that there were unethical practices observed, the best thing that should have been done was to make investigations and send recommendations to the administration of the hospital and not just to pull out the junior interns. But that is my opinion and it is clear that the dean/college have their own opinions as well. I ended my reaction with an outpouring of anger but never with cursing or swearing anyone, not even the dean. In my opinion, if indeed the possibility of the student nurses being also not allowed to rotate in the hospital where I work in will be pushed through, the school will be in a big mess.

From the reactions I received it feels as if I was being branded as the one who started all the talk about these allegations and stuff. I wrote that blog because many people, junior consultants, even consultants, were talking about it in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern. Many of these doctors talked about it in their OR, in the DR, in conference rooms, even in the cafeteria. And we the interns who were rotating were even the last to know and have been receiving so far the information from these people, the doctors themselves, albeit only a one-side information. But lately I did happen to get information and even opinions from the other side, with doctors who also did not agree to my blog. I received calls from doctors who clarified to me certain information I posted in the blog, even asked me directly as to what I meant when I wrote about those things in the blog and I told them also of what I know so far especially from doctors in the hospital where I am rotating as an intern.

In fact, I did appreciate what a former consultant did when he called me up early in the morning and shared to me what he felt about what I wrote and took the time to clarify to me certain informations which I have received. And he knows that I did agree with some of the points he cleared up to me. He did explain to me that it is important that the junior interns should rotate in a training hospital considering that if indeed there are observed unethical practices in the hospital, the junior interns will be guided by the training residents and consultants within the training hospital. And that is a point well taken. The base hospital by the way where I am also rotating as an intern is not a training hospital. Through that dialogue with him I also was given the chance to clarify my defense. That in my defense, I was not accusing anyone of unethical practices. That in my defending the doctors in the hospital where I am rotating, I was trying to make a point: that no junior intern or even intern can make a judgement about unethical practices and that the Bioethics Class is the proper forum for discussing these unethical practices as observed in the wards. I do appreciate him for that and I won't forget him for that either.

Unfortunately, what stood out in the blog was the mere fact that I was showing arrogance and stubborness against my dean. In fact, from the reactions I received, I was scolded for having ranted on my dean, even having the guts to post his name on the blog. I had the guts, or the lackthereof, to call for his resignation in the web and maybe not face to face. I had the guts to have even posted links to that particular blog in effect to spread this bravery of mine against the dean. Unfortunately, this "arrogance" and conflict between my dean and I isn't the first time as well. In the past, we had one incident of public confrontation, when my dean, in front of the entire medical studentry, scolded me, reprimanded me, and even, out of his anger and frustration, cursed me for something which he felt was me going out of bounds as then the student president of the student government. Without even giving me the chance to explain my actions in private with him, my dean called upon the entire medical students, with only a memo which I wrote as his information, and ranted on me, even accusing me of things that I wasn't even aware of. I stood up, never fought back against him, even made an apology after shortly clarifying my actions, but never moved an inch. I took it as a student would. But I was hurt then too. That wasn't a secret that I should not talk about. That public beating I received from the dean is known to many consultants and even junior consultants and of course medical students alike. What they didn't know though was that I made a personal letter addressed to the Dean bearing to him all my candid emotions and feelings and reactions as to what happened. It was more than a one-page letter and I wrote everything down in that letter, all the raw emotions and feelings that I felt during the course of that public beating. He did call me up in his office the following day after I sent him the letter and we talked privately and personally. What he talked about I shouldn't divulge. But since then, many among my collegemates have considered the relationship between me and my dean as a "love-hate" relationship. And it is no secret to him nor to anyone in the school how I felt about my perceived favouritism of the dean. Since that day I got beat up in public, I have always questioned, privately and publicly in school, the favouritism of my dean and I wrote it in the letter I sent him. But even that is all under the bridge. Since then, there are occasions when I agree and there are occasions when we do not, althought it may seem as if the latter is plentier than the former. But never have I defamed my dean or any person in public. If ever I called for my dean to step down, it is because in my opinion he left us down as a dean. But that is again my opinion. If it appears as if I am too harsh on my dean and I show disrespect, then I apologize for it is never the intention to disrespect. Indeed, I shall never forget what the dean told me in one of our private conversations, "he who lives in glasshouses, shouldn't be throwing stones."

Maybe I am wrong in my impusive act to write that blog. Maybe I was indeed to harsh and that I should be tempering my words. Maybe I am wrong in the information I received. Maybe I am wrong with what I should feel or react. Maybe the blog did appear as boastful and arrogant, unlikely from a lasallian. Maybe they are right.

Nevertheless, I do apologize for the friends who have been scandalized by my blog. I do apologize for the unknowing professors and consultants who also have been turned off by that blog. I do apologize to the dean himself if ever the blog came unexpectedly strong. But let me also add that what I felt and what I think still hold unless of course I am more clarified by the progress of things. I have never said that I won't change my mind with regards to this issue. For as long as new information get on my way, maybe we get to change our feelings and thoughts too.

But I shall continue to write my candid feelings on issues (see macellarius.blogspot.com). I shall continue to write my side of the story, even how limited the information is. I shall continue to write, if only through writing will I be able to unload myself with the stresses at work. But I shall take the advice of a few learned friends. Maybe if I write, I shall write in cryptic words. Maybe if I write, I shall have the names censored or changed, like blind items do. Either way, I shall continue to write, despite the threats being hurled against me and even my family (of which is true).

But for the sake of my family, I shall withhold my opinions only for the moment.

To one and all, Happy Easter.